Monday, July 22, 2013


MY book of mormon statement is that I've met sooo many members who have never even touched the old and new testaments outside of seminary and the Christmas story and that to me is shameful because last time I checked we did believe in the bible, and now I can see why so many non-lds people think we aren't Christian and refer to the Book of Mormon as the "mormon bible". Yes the Book of Mormon is good to read but don't forget it's only part of the scriptures, as you stated yourself yet people often neglect them, because its not "the mormon book". I had interviews on tuesday so I told sister weaver that I will need to see the doctors because the medication isn't helping like it should and its just keeping me from sleeping now so I need to get that all taken care of if I have any hope of staying out the full duration. My main problem with that is the longer I stay out the less I either feel like a missionary or my opinion of them lessens. The motto of the "Wa-Tac" mission is "Baptize" and a few years before I came out it was the highest American baptizing missions outside of Utah, the problem being that the mission presidents at the time didn't care what you did so long as you put up numbers so you had people paying hobos or buying them food to get baptised so there are wards in this area with over 200 inactives that they have no idea if they even exist. The backlash is that, that mentality still exists in this mission where if you aren't baptizing, you are a terrible missionary nad that all they want to do is baptize.  Thats all they look for and if they don't its bad news, yet here I am just happy to be out and working not caring about that because if that becomes my absolute focus, I can only go downhill. I've been in the slowest area for over 3 months, most missionaries in this mission would hate it because they wouldn't baptize here and they'd hate the area and the ward and everything else.  Hence why I would never have trusted Pedersen to lead this area, he was too focused on the end and not enough about getting there. Tipton I might have trusted but since he was leaving at the end he was trying to do alot of other things that he needed too to get all settled into heading home (like his final report, packing, shipping stuff home, getting stuff coordinated with the mission office) so him as  a solid missionary I didn't know.   Bowen I kinda trust, he's a blonde pretty boy is my only hard thing about it and he is kind of a flirt which was a huge issue for the missionaries previous to me (they surrendered an easy baptism becasue one of the missionaries had to flirt with a 15 year old girl and now we are still trying to get her back). The members are great (In my opinion) they try to help us by trying to find people but sadly thanks to the season not so many people are around to help. They feed us well, but sadly I am terrified that with my stomach it might just get so aggitated that regardless of what I eat I'll throw up and I don't want to do that to anyone because they'll think that it's their fault I got sent home and I don't want that which is another reason I am going to see the doctors.   I may also be getting a psych. test since my depression and bi-polarism are getting worse, although that could be a not so great combo of the stresses of just trying to keep moving forward and my pill.  I can't take the melatonin with my stomach pill because that would be a stimulant with a depressant and I don't need a medical degree to tell you  that's a very bad idea (hence why they say don't drink coffee with alcohol).
      Mom I can't stres this enough I don't want to come home. If I must because of reasons beyond my control (my body/mind just cna't handle being on a mission) then so be it I can't do anything about it but kick and scream like a kid but that won't help my cause. My initial concern was I was terrified that since my condition got so bad so fast that I would be home by the end of that first transfer whether I wanted to or not. The more I talk to nerdy/geeky people about video games and the digital world, the more I realize I don't want to go home because I don't want to go back to that life style ever again. Mom it was driving me insane. Ironically my greatest stress reliever was also the greatest cause of stress in my life, it was a vicious cycle that I couldn't seem to break. I wanted to go get a job, but I was terrified that what if my arm acts up or I have some attack and then I get fired? It makes getting another job harder, which just made me panic. I was enacting my worst fear and I brought it upon myself for not pushing for medical aid sooner. I was a prisoner inside my own little head I couldn't get out. Now I know what you're going to say, "Well then why didn't you pray for help or get a blessing for it?" Mom, 2 reasons. one of which is you/dad, whenever I went to you two about it you'd both just shrug me off and say that its all in my head and that I shouldn't worry about it I'm just a hypocondriac. the second is, you genuinely thought I wasn't?! I'll openly admit I'm not the most religious, for lack of a better word I'd almost say faithful, but I don't know if thats right either, I know that It's through CHrist that I was able to survive that first wave, but mom some times help won't come to those who just say "fix me now please I don't like being sick thanks" mom we have to put forth our own effort (hence why I am getting tired of my District Leader as well as other missionaries who complain aobut not baptizing tons of people because they want to).  I didn't put forth my efforts to be fixed. One lady I love in this ward who I will probably never see again (She left for Utah to do a mini mission for the geneology dept. and won't be back for 3 weeks and by that time I'll be in a different area since pres. has practically told me I'm leaving kingston because even though Im one of the few who love this style of area where the work may be slow but theres still plently to do) was having really bad problems with her neck and back so she asked us to give her a blessing, right before interviews. So we did and she started to have some relief, well then she went and still saw her doctor and the doctor gave her something that was a huge help. Hence why I would like to go to the doctors, mom they may send me home because it may be too late to help me much (what they can give me and what I can have done is limited on a mission) but please let it be known I may not be the most obedient but I haven't lost my faith in God or Christ or the Holy Ghost or Joseph Smith, if anything its gotten stronger, but my physical ability is draining and that is depressing for me.
 I have had plenty of service this week and that was fun. I've spent over 6 hours doing yard work and that was super fun. weeding mostly but hey It's what I did lots (ok not lots but when we did it was a lot) back home.

     from Washington with love Elder "Banksys"(its my nickname now)